Friday, September 26, 2014
Every night when all is quiet, I tip toe into your room and stare at you sleeping. You are both sprawled on Lincoln's bed, stuffed animals all around... Benji- you are holding "blankie" and Lincoln- you are lying diagonal on the bed, my little contortionist. You breathe softly and I feel my heart well up in my throat. Every.Night. You take my breathe away. I look at you and I see features of myself and your Daddy and I am IN.AWE. that somehow we created such beauty.
In those quiet moments, I sometimes drop to my knees and I close my eyes to pray. My heart aches for things I should have said or should have said differently. I think about how you wanted me to lay down just for "five more minutes" and I was irritated and I think about how funny you were wrestling each other and how angry I was when you were irritated with each other and I think how much did MY irritation breed YOUR irritation and I am HUMBLED and FLAT OUT SCARED and FLAT OUR DESPERATE FOR GOD'S GRACE.
I thank God for your sweaty heads, laying in a comfy bed, in a warm house, sheltered from the storm outside and I think about the storm inside and how the Enemy is always pounding on our home, trying to soak us to the core with His lies and empty promises.
And I think about whether I should have turned off the TV and spent more time playing with you instead of trying to escape for a minute on my phone...and I remember that even Mama's need a time out and that I don't have to be perfect.
I remember how I read you the story of Moses and how God made water come from the rock and how we need to look to Jesus and not to the World and you said, "Mommy I have no idea what you are talking about, can I please watch Ninja Turtles now" but how you stopped playing Leggo's and leaned closer when I read from the Bible and how I just hold on to the promise that God is co-parenting with me and that the Holy Spirit is moving even when I think I am totally losing your attention. And I remember how Benji thanked Jesus for dying on the cross last night at bedtime and I remember that as long as I am speaking the truth, you are hearing it.
I remember to let God do the watering and growing...
I think about how you laughed when your Daddy read to you and how you jumped into His arms and I think about how God longs for us to do the same with Him because He is our Daddy.
I ask for forgiveness for my selfish moments and I inhale grace and exhale praise and I don't want to leave your room.
In the stillness I feel love and peace overflowing and thankfully that feeling is stronger than the regrets and the sorrows of the day.
I remember how you, my boys are "eternity with skin on" and how everyday I am blessed to witness real, life evidence of God's beauty in your giggles and in your strong wills, in your peace and in your fight for independence. There is God there, you are growing and longing for guidance even when you resist it. Just.Like.Your.Mama. at times...
I stand on the promises I have learned and I try to BELIEVE in these moments that the LOVE OF GOD MY FATHER is like this, BUT EVEN BIGGER. And if this Mama can love so much that it hurts and heals and burns and frees all at once that MY GOD SURELY LOVES ME SOMETHING MIGHTY. And I thank God for the mighty moments of mothering.
You, my sons, are my sweet taste of Heaven on Earth. I will never forget these moments and how HOLY IS THIS GROUND, on the floor, next to your toys, and wrappers, and diapers and dirt. I remember that the holiest of moments can happen, even among the DIRT of our lives...when we CHOOSE TO LOOK TO YOU.
I LOVE YOU,
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
That said- I wanted to share a bit about my journey as a CWM...
I was sitting with a dear friend at Panera about a year ago...she work full-time outside the home just like me. I always noticed that although she has struggles and challenges, that she appeared peaceful and confident about her role as a CWM. We were talking about various things and we had a pause in the conversation and I said to her,
"You know what? I really have not yet come to believe in my head/heart that working FT outside the home is just as good, worthy, or even on the same level, as being a stay at home Mom. I really look at myself and think I am somehow on Plan B. and not living God's best for me."
"She said, 'Liz, I am a mother. I work full-time outside the home. The ground is level at the foot of the cross for myself, for the stay-at-home Mama, for all of us."
And she said it with such confidence and peace and I let it sink in. I let it sink in for months (in fact she doesn't even know that I thought about it for so long), and finally I have come to believe it and know it and live it.
Does this mean that I think working outside the home is always best for us and our kids? Absolutely not-I think it is a very personal decision that only a woman and her husband can make.
I believe that many choices we make in life (not just about work) can be wrong and influenced by our sinful nature.
At the end of the day, as Moms, our job is to follow the Bible and we are to answer to God about our life.
So, what does the Bible say about being a Mom and what should our lives look like when we are living out GOD'S BEST:
Now, I will say sweet Mama, if
working outside the home has made doing the above impossible or extremely
challenging, than maybe an honest look at your situation is warranted. But if not, keep pressing on and be intentional in your mothering. And remember that the ground is level at the foot of the cross- your worth as a mother is not tied into your working status, it is tied into Christ and who He says you are.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
This past Sunday one of our Pastors spoke about Kingdom Ground and how we need to have "soil" in our hearts that is prepared to hear God and know God more. He talked about the Parable of the Sower- Mark 4:1-20. http://biblehub.com/niv/mark/4.htm. And he talked about the soil where there are shallow roots. He talked about the Word being planted on rocky places- the person receives the Word with joy and then struggles because there are no roots.
He talked about how we need to dig up our soil and throw out those rocks so that we can plant the Word and so that it can GROW. I thought about this and realized that SHAME was one of those rocks that at times prevents the roots of God's word from growing deeper in my heart. SHAME is something that sneaks up on us and if we believe it, it can go down deep and block our intimacy with God.
I am so thankful for this message how God spoke to me and now my response.
Shame makes us feel ugly in every way possible.
It isolates us and it paralyses us.
It is also a lie- a filthy lie straight from the pit of hell. It steals our identity in Christ- who already died for whatever we are feeling ashamed of. It leads us to unbelief, to not trusting God, and we cannot go there anymore.
I came across this quote and it BLEW ME AWAY...It literally stopped me in my tracks and covered me in a sense of glorious brave acceptance.
And I get it- you've been hurt, people have broken your trust and it can be so hard to let God in, to let Him close, but His grace is the antidote to your shame.
GRAVE COVERS AND ERASES ALL SHAME.
God is saying this to you my sister-
I don't know if this speaks to anyone, but it burned in my heart and I had to share.
Click on the link below for an amazing song about showing up for your life and seeing the Glory of God shining in it!