Friday, September 26, 2014

The Holy Moments of Mothering- A Letter to My Sons

Lincoln and Ben,

Every night when all is quiet, I tip toe into your room and stare at you sleeping. You are both sprawled on Lincoln's bed, stuffed animals all around... Benji- you are holding "blankie" and Lincoln- you are lying diagonal on the bed, my little contortionist. You breathe softly and I feel my heart well up in my throat. Every.Night. You take my breathe away. I look at you and I see features of myself and your Daddy and I am IN.AWE. that somehow we created such beauty.

In those quiet moments, I sometimes drop to my knees and I close my eyes to pray. My heart aches for things I should have said or should have said differently. I think about how you wanted me to lay down just for "five more minutes" and I was irritated and I think about how funny you were wrestling each other and how angry I was when you were irritated with each other and I think how much did MY irritation breed YOUR irritation and I am HUMBLED and FLAT OUT SCARED and FLAT OUR DESPERATE FOR GOD'S GRACE.

I thank God for your sweaty heads, laying in a comfy bed, in a warm house, sheltered from the storm outside and I think about the storm inside and how the Enemy is always pounding on our home, trying to soak us to the core with His lies and empty promises.

And I think about whether I should have turned off the TV and spent more time playing with you instead of trying to escape for a minute on my phone...and I remember that even Mama's need a time out and that I don't have to be perfect.

I remember how I read you the story of Moses and how God made water come from the rock and how we need to look to Jesus and not to the World and you said, "Mommy I have no idea what you are talking about, can I please watch Ninja Turtles now" but how you stopped playing Leggo's and leaned closer when I read from the Bible and how I just hold on to the promise that God is co-parenting with me and that the Holy Spirit is moving even when I think I am totally losing your attention. And I remember how Benji thanked Jesus for dying on the cross last night at bedtime and I remember that as long as I am speaking the truth, you are hearing it.

I remember to let God do the watering and growing...

I think about how you laughed when your Daddy read to you and how you jumped into His arms and I think about how God longs for us to do the same with Him because He is our Daddy.

I ask for forgiveness for my selfish moments and I inhale grace and exhale praise and I don't want to leave your room.

In the stillness I feel love and peace overflowing and thankfully that feeling is stronger than the regrets and the sorrows of the day.

I remember how you, my boys are "eternity with skin on" and how everyday I am blessed to witness real, life evidence of God's beauty in your giggles and in your strong wills, in your peace and in your fight for independence. There is God there, you are growing and longing for guidance even when you resist it. Just.Like.Your.Mama. at times...

I stand on the promises I have learned and I try to BELIEVE in these moments that the LOVE OF GOD MY FATHER is like this, BUT EVEN BIGGER. And if this Mama can love so much that it hurts and heals and burns and frees all at once that MY GOD SURELY LOVES ME SOMETHING MIGHTY. And I thank God for the mighty moments of mothering.

You, my sons, are my sweet taste of Heaven on Earth. I will never forget these moments and how HOLY IS THIS GROUND, on the floor, next to your toys, and wrappers, and diapers and dirt. I remember that the holiest of moments can happen, even among the DIRT of our lives...when we CHOOSE TO LOOK TO YOU.




Jenny said...

This is beautiful, thank you.

Elizabeth Jones said...

You are welcome Jenny! This was one of my favorites. I felt so close to God on my knees praying over those sweet boys. I remember feeling sad at my mistakes, but then being embraced by his GRACE and humbled by my calling as a Mom.

Jennifer said...

Yes. This. Exactly this. The sweet daily heartbreak that is mommyhood. I am not an easy cry but this had me sniveling all over the burp cloth draped over the shoulder of a nightgown that really needs to be washed that is covering the still awkward postpartum body that may be mine but does not resemble the me that I know. Reading this, I remembered why it's all so worth it. Thank you for taking the time to translate the heartbeat of every one of us into words that we can carry with us .

Laura Albritton said...

This was so beautiful and just what I needed to hear as a working mom of 4 and 2 yr old girls. What spoke to me is the reminder to use time in the car to sing songs about Jesus or learn bible stories (instead of singing endless rounds of "Let it Go"! ) At night, the girls love when I sing "Angels Watching Over Me", but after reading this I'm going to add "Jesus loves me." What perfect words for little ones to hear as they drift off to sleep. Thank you for sharing this uplifting, spirit-led letter. Reading it was perfect start to a busy day!

Elizabeth Jones said...

Jenny- you made ME cry, picturing YOU crying with your burp cloth and nightgown. You are precious. "The sweet daily heartbreak that is motherhood." That is beautiful. You are so precious!

Elizabeth Jones said...

Laura- bless you sweet friend! I should share that I was playing We Will Rock You yesterday for my boys:) But they do love a lot of contemporary Christian songs which is a fun way to connect with them spiritually in the car. My 3 year old loves "Soul on Fire" by Third Day. I think he just likes yelling- "Soul on Fire!" :)

Jennifer said...

Okay, this is the last straw. Your comment responding to MY comment has me tearing up AGAIN. I may have to break up with you and your blog. Apparently I don't have the emotional stability to handle this yet. ~smile
(Side note: Thank you for deleting that vicious comment on your post re: what God has to say to working mothers. The one about why what happened to me only happened to me because I was working outside of the home. I felt like I was punched in the gut. Hard. I pray it was removed before it could wound another already wounded soul. )
God bless you. Have the most lovely Thursday ever... Wait.. It IS Thursday, right?

Shannon said...

Love it!

Tasha Peterson said...

Love this