Monday, June 22, 2015

The Beauty and Gift of Grief

I love deep and I love messy and I love inappropriately for today's standards:) Picture the big sloppy kisses from a big messy dog that gets on people's nerves and that can be me. I an overly interested in how people feel, I want to be close to people way too soon in relationships, I feel people's pain and I want to take it away, I have always been this way and sometimes feel like I am just one big love sucker-upper. Not always a good thing, but it can be a God-thing as well...

I want to cry when people tell me their stories, I want to hug people I just met and I want to never,ever, EVER have my loved ones feel unloved, hurt, left-out, unappreciated, unnoticed. People are hurting, I can feel it almost as soon as I meet them. I am very sensitive and I believe that God has made me that way ON PURPOSE.  HOWEVER- life happens and my crazy-nutty-over-the-top ways of loving people have been extinguished and squashed out and humiliated so many times over the years that I can admit- that even as a Jesus girl- there have been some tightly shut places that have gotten pretty dusty over the years...

I can say ALOT about love in my words and actions, but my feelings have been well-guarded for quite some time. It's CRAZY CRAZINESS, but I have a confession to make- I have not cried a deep, good, messy cry in at least three years (the last time was the birth of my now three year old). My Mom used to tell me that crying was my way of relieving stress and that it was okay for me to cry- but somehow I stopped allowing myself to "go there".

At that time (when my Mom told me this, which by the way- was one of the BEST things she could have EVER told me), I seriously used to cry on a weekly basis...for real- when my husband married me he had no idea what he was getting into! He has been SO GOOD for me in that sense, allowing me to cry but then making me laugh so I can move on. I have cried tears for hours on end over past hurts, over relational wounds, when I see homeless people, when I watch movies, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Thank the Lord for anti-depressants- that is all I have to say:) Yes- I don't mind "going there"- we can discuss that another time if you'd like...:)

But over the years...truth be told- I have shut down a bit- maybe some of it was good- I had to be a Mom, maintain a FT job, keep things "together" to a point, but I have been given a gift recently that I am just so thankful for.

My father-in-law Eddie, passed away and my heart broke into a million pieces for the first time in three years...but my broken heart, became a softer heart and a more open heart-once again- to love and be loved...and I was drawn closer to God...

Being face to face with death and grief and all that encompasses has been something I did not expect- a gift for a hardened heart...a space to pause and weep and mourn and feel and heal. The last conversation I had with Eddie we talked about our Savior and how real He is and Eddie was filled with a deep excitement that one day He could experience just being in the presence of Jesus and then...a few days later...he was gone. I cannot put into words how much it meant to me that God allowed me that conversation with Eddie before he died.

And as we walked through two different memorial services, the boarded up places in my heart were bust open and oh what a sweet, sweet gift it was for me...

Thank you Eddie- for your life, legacy and for taking the time to share you heart with me right before you left this world. You gave me more than you know.





No comments: