Today is one of those days where it feels important that I write something to all of you. It's been quite a while since I've blogged and I have not been entirely focused on writing during this season of my life. I've completed an e-book, but I'm still in the process of figuring out how to publish it. I've taken on some additional work so that my husband and I can work on some of our financial goals. I'm leading a Bible study and learning how to be a women's ministry leader. My oldest son has sports and I feel like I am in the middle of a time of change and adjustment.
Being online has felt like the very last on my list of priorities. Seeing the people in front of me and making the most of each day has been at the top. But at the same time – I miss expressing what God is doing in my life and connecting with all of you. I continue to battle with the tension of being a working mom – but through some amazing connections, conversations and continually laying every day down at the feet of the Lord, I'm understanding the role of
redemption within my own story and feeling more comfortable in my own skin and in the pace of my life.
This might sound loopy but I'm finding myself having a lot of conversations with myself – realizing how much pain I have caused myself in judging myself and looking down on myself. And I'm recognizing how much it hurts the Lord as well as my walk with him.
It's funny how I try to pride myself on not judging others. And yet I feel like all day long I keep constant tabs on what I'm doing right versus what I'm doing wrong and then my emotions are settling on those things. It really makes me feel like a gigantic yo-yo. And it's pretty nutty and amazing and overwhelming to think that God's grace and his redemption just wraps all of those yo-yo emotions and days up and hold them close and turns them into something beautiful. It makes me seriously want to cry when I picture the glory of it all.
When I think about miscommunications in my marriage, yelling at my boys when I'm tired, going several days without spending time with the Lord, making impulsive spending decisions, all of those things that I think somehow disqualify me. I'm grateful that the Lord is now showing me how to sift through those things, lay them at his feet, take a hold of his hand and let him help me change a little bit at a time. He never asked me to be perfect, but he asked me to trust him who is perfect. I feel like a piece of broken silver, that is very valuable, but is not been shined up in a while. I think I spent a lot of time trying to shine myself up – and now I'm content with the process of the Lord shining me up and shining through me – because even the cracks are things that He can use.
There are some days where I feel like I am on that spinning wheel in a mouse cage and I'm going nowhere, and in the past I used to sit, stop and wallow, but now I'm being braver and letting the Lord get me out of that cycle and move on to new ways. Jesus is amazing. The gospel is amazing. Life is all about redemption when you walk with the Lord. Redemption takes time, sometimes it takes a lot of grit and fight, other times it takes the willingness to just do nothing and be still and wait, but it is a life filled with surprises, joys and miracles and I wouldn't want anything else. I am just in awe of my Lord and Savior, the way that He reaches down and makes holy ground right here in the middle of my everyday.